Intruder!  You enter my computer and my personal space without my permission.  Never did you even consider my feelings and my sensitivities.  You just ran in and out like the jackal picking at his unsuspecting prey.  What a coward you are.  What a little purveyor of filth.  How can you torture my emotions with such disrespect and scorn?  There are several things i must and will say to you.  First, my nievete was not an implied permission to abuse and frighten me.  Second, your tactics and contents were deplorable. Third, why did you do this to me?  Finally, i have chosen no longer to be your victim!

Did you think because I was new to the ways of the internet,and was naive and trusting that I gave you permission to come into my life and tell me your sick longings and threaten me?  I was such a child without the benefit of experience and people were friendly and kind. Then you appeared and without consideration shattered my calm and my trust.  That is an unthinkable transgression.  I can only hope I was your only victim because the impact was terrifying.

What you told me was so disgusting that it made me physically ill.  If that is what you really think and feel then you not only have my contempt you have my pity.  Love and affection will never be yours.  You will never know the beauty of tenderness and true passion. Your tactics were deplorable.  You entered my space recklessly and left only traces of your demented mind.  You frightened me with your many threats of rape and physical violence.  I  can never again think of openness without questioning your ability to to intrude and abuse. You have robbed me of my unquestioning trust in the fairness of people.

I have spent a lot of time wondering why you chose me to torture and and frighten.  Was it my open and trusting nature?  Was it my concern for people which drew you to me?  Why me!  Friends tell me that you have probably watched  for some time without revealing yourself to me.  They further tell me that it is you and not me  who is to blame for what you chose to do again and again.  Perhaps I will never know why you decided to make my life a living hell.  Perhaps it really does not matter.

After spnding endless hours thinking about what you have said and done to me, I have reached one and only one inescapable conclusion.  I am no
longer willing to be a victim!  After much soul searching and questioning my ability to judge character and humanity, I now feel that your craziness
is not of my doing or my responsibility.  This recognition of reality has empowered me to get on with my life, trust in my fellow human beings and live and love to the fullest of my capacity.  I will no longer try to disguise myself, change my nature, or fear the unknown faces in the crowd of people who use the inernet as a way to touch and be touched by others. You have lost your power over me and i feel good once again.  I win!!!!!!!!!

Now the passage into the dark side of the internet has come and gone.  We have touched each others lives in ways which we will never under-
stand.  Your entrance into my life without my permission is no longer an issue.  Your tactics and content although deplorable no longer can frighten me. The question of "Why Me?" although unanswered no longer seems important.  The fact that I am empowered and no longer choose to be a victim is the shining light to this story.  I once again have gained perspective that a sick individual does not have the right to change a lifestyle developed over many years.  And so cyberstalker, good bye and good ridance and if we ever communicate on any level again, you have lost your impact and I have regained myself.  The dance of the cyberstalker and his victim has come to an end!

Even the word intimacy which is defined as profoundly interior is a confusing concept. We literally enter the confusion of another soul and upon doing so, we are thrown into a state of mutual vulnerability.  We are torn between seeing our new order with a sense of wonder and openness or closing off and feeling frightened. Is intimacy simple, or the most complex theorem known to mankind?

Intimacy is a sacred mystical archetypical construct which has held us in its throes since the beginning of time. In intimacy, the past and future collide with a force so profound that we are often stunned.  It is important to bring a degree innocence to our commitment to intimacy.  New intimacy needs time free from judgment and the suspension of old logic and reality. We must refrain from applying deception and duplicity to the new tender growth of firstborn intimacy. And intimacy must be often gently nourished with eye contact and conversation. It must never be
taken for granted nor assumed to be intact. Intimacy takes hard work and commitment to survive.

One of the most sacrosanct aspects of intimacy and its very foundation is that each person MUST protect the solitude of the other. Although it
seems a paradox, each has the room to grow and change. Each person must, if the intimacy is to survive, encourage the other to take the time to
simply communicate with himself before he can communicate with others.  To be together in intimacy, each must be free to be alone and private
with his own thoughts and concepts.

Intimacy, the most beautiful and the most confusing of paradigms, is simultaneously thrilling and frightening. People in the throes of intimacy are often the walking wounded. They need to be treated tenderly and handled softly and with feeling. This not a time to be judgmental or aggressive
but a time of penetrating perceptions and seeing the world of love through new eyes. It is a time of delicious discovery, and commitment to the
protection of sweet innocence. Intimacy is a paradigm to enjoy, anticipate, fear, protect, preserve, and love. For only with intimacy, can the heart and soul of man soar to the highest realm of emotion and love.

Near Death....

There are times in your life which are so profound that you have to take a deep breath just to think of them. During one of these times, I was very
ill and wondered if  I would survive the pain and anguish and remember thinking that anything which would stop the agony would be welcome.... well almost anything.

I'm not sure if this happened in surgery or after I was in my room because of the level of anesthesia and the narcotics I was receiving but.....

My first awareness was the beginning of what felt like a long free fall in which i fell feet first downward, downward into this dark, deep abyss. The
opening was wide at first but as I continued to fall, it appeared to become smaller and closer to my body. My hands were raised above my head and I was falling in a very slow motion movement. It was like I was in very thick water.  The atmosphere was so heavy as I continued to plummet downward.  It was harder and harder to breathe, and the pressure on my chest was crushing. My breathing became labored as I fell downward.  The space seemed to shrink and the walls closed in on me.  I was still moving but the space was close and I could barely breathe when I began to panic.  I can't breathe, I thought to myself, I can't get enough air to survive...I screamed in panic. Looking up at my hands which were over my head I began to whimper...."Help meeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!"   I have never been so terrified as the walls closed in, my chest seemed to be constricted, the movement although even slower now continued downward.  The only thing that kept me from  a full fledged panic attack was my ability to concentrate on the pinpoint of light which seemed miles above me.  Please, just let me be able to keep my focus....for I know that once the screaming begins it will not stop.

And then it happened...just when the darkness  fully enclosed me and I seemed to be almost stuck in the walls of the abyss..the light from above
seemed to take on an intensity that would let me see and think of nothing else..nothing. I couldn't believe it when my downward motion stopped and I slowly began to ascend toward what appeared to be hands, too far away to touch me and yet  hands that sent what felt like energy to pull me upward.  I was absolutely ecstatic as I felt the pressure lessen on my chest and breath began to ease and come freely to me.  The hands sent their energy to pull me slowly upward, higher and higher and as I rose, the abyss got bigger and brighter until I could begin to see walls which were now wider and  getting farther and farther away from my body.  The hands became clearer in my vision but were still very far away...although they beckoned me to rise and  and feel joy and relief.   The ability to simply breathe was one of the most meaningful occurrences in my life.  Something we take so much for granted, when taken  away, can be the most frightening thing imaginable.  The gift of breath is so beautiful that it is impossible to describe or explain.

As I continued my ascent, I began to be aware of people  standing , talking on the sides of the passage in which I traveled.  They spoke in soft quiet tones and were all dressed in hooded robes with faces appearing kind and sensitive and positively glowing from the ambient light.  As I looked up, I could see a play of light forms.. some quite white and bright and some colored in the most jewelike and amazing hues.  The lights were swirling and changing and moving about in joyous patterns with amazing energy.  Through all of the dancing  light,  the hands reached out for me.  The connection, although still only with energy, continued to pull me up to the intense brightness and the hands now appeared larger than life and even more impressive.  The voices although hushed were at an audible level in which I could begin to hear conversation and phrases and I felt comfort in the hearing of ordinary words. The talking was hushed but clear and the people were completely at ease. It was a scene which brought no anticipation of  discomfort, just  serenity and calm.

Rising up toward the lovely lights and beautiful hands I was so happy and relaxed. breathing easily, smiling, feeling secure and warm and
comfortable. As I neared what seemed to be the height of my ascent, I saw the faces and the hands of my Mother, my Father, and my Momo(grandmother).  Stopping to touch their hands and feel their warmth, I knew I was probably gone from the life I knew.  To be able to see these dear ones who had died all the way from 30 years ago to 6 months ago, I thought I had been destined to join them in death or life which ever way you see it. My Father squeezed my hand and said, "You still have much to do my Michelle, there are those whose lives you will touch."  My Mother gently reached out and touched my face, smiled warmly and said, "It's not time yet baby." My grandmother grasped my hand and looked at me and said to my Mother,  "Jean, just look how bright she is, isn't she lovely?"  They were  touching me and holding me and  I was so happy to be wrapped in the warmth and love of my family that I looked up at the hands and said, "Is it my time to come here?"

The feelings I felt were a mixture of joy to be reunited with my loved ones whom I had missed so, and sadness to know that there were those I would never hold again in this realm.  My family, my children, my dear friends....those who know the feeling of my love.  Not being able to think
of  my life being over...there was a feeling of sadness which permeated my thoughts...

The hands simply gestured for me to begin to return to my life and to my body.  As I descended  back toward the earth, it was if I could see
continents, cities, then my hospital room.   I saw my spirit reenter my body and I saw   my Mother,  Momo and Father watching my return with
smiling faces..

As I reentered by body, I felt pain.  Nurses were asking me to breath deeply and cough. It hurt when I did both, but I felt  my  breathing, and I
knew although painful it was normal. I closed my eyes and was aware of voices and noises and light.  When I opened them, I was just laying in my
bed, with people adjusting tubes, and iv's and medications. Normal post surgical hospital activity.  The hands were gone, my family was gone and I
was simply back to begin to live and heal.  Even the post surgical pain seemed almost welcome and natural..

I remember asking the nurse for a paper and pen and she told me I could perhaps have them tomorrow, for now it was time for me to rest and to get some well needed sleep. "Don't forget to bring them tomorrow, please," I smiled. " There are things I must write while they are fresh on my mind." She reassured me that she would bring them personally but I probably wouldn't remember I had asked for them.   She was wrong......

I remember telling this whole story to my best friend in the hospital although she assures me that I did not do this.  One of us is mistaken...each thinks it is the other..and we smile and nod our heads thinking....yes...she has lost it.  But it is apparent that there are things shared and known which don't take words to express.

There is an awsome beauty beyond these limits of our physical bodies and yet is there anything more precious than life and family and good friends?

The following is a little treatise into what patients and doctors say,
and what they really mean.  The two are quite often not the same.

What they say....                      What they mean.....

You need to come in                    Are you cazy...do you think I am
                                       gonna diagnose "that" over the
                                       phone??????
                                                                           
Describe the pain for me.              Yeah, I know it hurts...but how....
                                       is it dull, sharp, hot, intermittent
                                       continuous..this tells me something
                                       I need to know.
                                                                           
Let's just see if we can               Go, get this test done...I know what
rule this out....                      is wrong but my ins and your total
                                       ability to trust me make this so
                                       necessary.
                                                                           
I was afraid that might be             Told Ya.....Nah nah nah nahnah! I am
the case here.                         a doctor after all...silly woman.

You look like you are in a             Damn she looks awful, and she will
lot of pain.                           look a lot worse before she looks
                                       better, poor thing.
                                                                           
You need to go on to the               Geeeeez! I don't want this to happen
hospital now.                          right here in my office,now for 
                                       Christsakes!!!!!!!
                                                                           
                                                                           
They will be all ready for             Heh! Heh! Heh!  As if.....!!!!!!!
you.

We don't have you in the               Go sit in the emergency room with 
system yet...please just               all the broken bones, gunshot wounds
sign in and we will call               and general malaise....all pain is
                                       equal here, missy!
                                                                           
Come on back now....                   You have caused a major disruption
                                       what with you're writhing around on
                                       the floor dressed so nicely.
                                                                           
Tell me about the pain...              What could cause a well dressed 
                                       woman to writhe on the floor of the
                                       ER.  Tell me about the pain.....
                                                                           
If I tell you about the                Stop this pain for christs
pain, will you give me                 sakes...I could hurt like this free
something for it?                      at home....you are pain professional
                                       people here, aren't you......well
                                       AREN'T YOU???????????
                                                                           
Ok, we have a doctor to                We can't find your doctor anywhere..
look at you not...and                  have paged him, and the golf course
he will be able to tell                won't page him on the course....but
us something to help you.              sufficient time has passed and we 
                                       can treat you now....thank god!!!!
                                                                           
Tell me where it is hurting?           Yes you are gonna have to go through
                                       the pain thing again just for me.
                                                                           
Doctor.."Does it hurt when I"          I suspect what is wrong from all I
press here?                            have read...it should be very tender
                                       here.
                                                                           
Patient...Ÿes, doctor, that is         F*** yes it hurts when you do that.
very very tender"                      For all that is holy, stop doing
                                       THAT....hand reaches toward groin
                                       area of doc..then artfully retreats

Let's put her on 50cc of               Nitey nite now sweetie, 
demeorl and put her on a               Were gonna make it stop
pump she can use to man-               hurting now...and you
age her pain!!                         can press the button if it hurts...
                                       it will not give you too much meds.
                                       Meanwhile, we will do stuff to get 
                                       you ready for surgery.
                        
Intern...Has the doctor told           Who knows what is going on here...
you when you would have surgery        but there is a underlying method...
...Oh well, he could simply peek       anyway...don't worry...this doctor 
in any minute and say... "let's        is soooooo damn good, you can trust
do it".                                your life to him...he is Godlike!!!

Doctor..."We've looked at all          Geezzzzzzz, this gall bladder
your blood work, sonogram, tests,      is hot...we need to get her into
and we need to remove your gall        surgery and remove this thing... 
bladder.....ready???                   get her out of her pain and save
                                       her life...no biggie.......
                                                                          
Yes, I am ready Doctor.. I am not      Damn right..jerk that sucker out
too attached to this gall bladder      .....just make me stop hurting...
any longer...it's a big pain!!!        even pumpable demerol can't make 

                                                        
Interns....Good morning Ma'am..        Look at her Y'all. She is in the 
Seems the surgery went well and        heavily medicated section...look at 
you are on the way to recovery.        her eyes...hehehehe. Let's ask her
                                       some of out thought provoking 
                                       questions and have some fun trying
                                       to watch her wrap her medicated 
                                       mind around them!!!!!
                                                                           
Interns... Do you know why we're       Aren't they the cutest little 
all here at once, and what it          things. Of course I know what a
means to be part of a teaching         teaching hospital is..after all I
hospital?                              do watch ER, you know  

Ok, well nice to see you Ma'am..       Look at that smirk. This wasn't
hope you feel much better real         as much fun as we thought...let's
soon. See you tomorrow.....            split there is a juicy bowel 
                                       resection three doors down.....
                                                                
Well, how are we feeling today,        Now you realize there are several
Ma'am.. You are looking better         things you must do each day..to 
today. Have you been able to           even begin plans to go home... we
urintate yet?                          see you have been able to cough
                                       very successfully and now you 
                                       urinated...you are on your way!!!
                                                                           
Mornin, Ma'am. How are you              Stronger each day....Good for you
feeling today? Have you been           ...hmmmmm NO BOWEL MOVEMENT YET??
able to move your bowels??             The doctor will order a little
                                       Fleet enema....What, you refused 
                                       the Milk of Magnesia two days in
                                       a row? Tsk! Tsk!
                                                                           
Mornin, Ma'am how are we feeling       You are becoming very ambulatory,
today...gettin up are we...            have caughed moved your bowels,
thats very good...Your  bowels         good girl!!!! And, you have given
move? Great!!!!!!                      up the demerol pump...WOW!!!!!

Patient...Hmmm lets recap here...      I know ya'll have your parameters
I coughed, urinated, moved my          to get to leave the hospital... you 
bowels, walked about and decreased     have to cough, pee, poop, walk about
my pain meds....how am I doin??        and demonstrate that you aren't 
                                       totally addicted to drugs. How am
                                       I doin?
                                                                           
Chief resident....has the doctor       Of course he has not told you!!!
told you when you are going home..     He loves to just appear, look 
NO?? Well don't be too suprised        right at you, tell you are doing
if he shows up and just says "Are      well....and send you home. He knows
you ready to go home?"                 exactly what he is doing. You can
                                       trust him!!!!!
                                                                           
Doctor....Morning.... you are          Hey, you look good, you have 
looking well today....how would        progressed well....Let's get you
you like to go home this afternoon?    home, you will do just fine....
                                       just fine!!!!
                                                                           
Ok...Drs...let's get many of the       I am leaving now...she still likes 
staples out....leave every fourth      me...hehehe. You can do the stuff
or so...pull the drain and get her     she will remember a bit unkindly...
ready to go home!                      like the drain..ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!

Ok, ma'am.... the staples will         Ok, ma'am.... the staples will  
perhaps sting just a bit....           perhaps sting just a bit....

Ok, ma'am....you will need to          Geezzzzzzz, there is no easy way
take a deep breath when I remove       to do this.....Even if you take a 
the drain.....                         deep breath, it's still gonna hurt
                                       like hell.....SORRY!!!!!!
                                                                           
Doctor.... You must continue           I have never seen any stomach 
to breathe ma'am......                 muscles tighten down that hard...
                                       I can not move this drain an 
                                       inch!!!!!!!!
                                                                           
Doctor....that's it.....               Whew, it's almost out....There!!!
breathe.... I'll go slowly...          Would you care to see what hurt you
there would you like to see it?        so much...it wasn't ME!!!!!!!!

Patient....Geeezzzzzz, thank god       MF!!! That hurt like a S.O.B...
that's over...yes I would like to      Sure show the bastard to me..I 
see it!!!!!                            know it wasn't you!! Please turn 
                                       off the lights on your way out...
                                       I need to rest from this!!!!!
                                                                           
Nurse....heard you are going           Damn....she is leaving and she 
home....we are gonna miss you...       always did what we suggested,
you were one of our very               well.....except fo the Milk of 
favorites......                        Magnesia thing....

Doctor....don't bend over, don't       Go home and just take it easy...
pick up anything heavy...5 lbs..       don't mess up the pretty work I
don't overdo.... get some rest,        done here!!! I will see you soon
take care of you...see me in a         in my office to complete our little
week to remove the rest of the         journey here...I am very proud of
staples and check on your progress.    both of us...Aren't you???

                                                          
Doctor....Well just look at you..      Hmmmm...she is looking much better
make up and all...how are you          .....is once again interested in her
feeling....let's take a look at        appearance...let's just take a quick
you...                                 look at my handiwork......

Doctor....The rest of the staples      I am always amazed at the 
can come out...You are healing         resilliency of the human body...
quite well...the scar will barely      considering we only did this eleven
show in a few months.....              days ago...truly truly amazing!!!

Doctor....How are you feeling. Are     Are you really ok? Not overdoing
you getting some rest???               too much are you ???

Patient...Well I still get tired..     I am feeling better but when am
and have some real soreness here       I gonna feel my old self again....
but all in all, I am doing well....    I am just impatient, I guess! Ha! 
                                       I know!!!!!!
                                                                           
Doctor...You can drive in 3 more       Driving is hard right after surgery,
weeks....Just take it easy.... You     what with the incision and the
have been through major surgery...     meds....take care of yourself...you
Don't have sex for at least two more   have been through a lot... you can 
weeks.                                 have sex when you feel like it...

Patient....Yes Doctor, will follow     OK, ok!!! Will do.... Soooooo..
all of your instructions to the        I can have sex soon huh??? Ummmmmm
letter....*smile*                      HMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!

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